Will I EVER Have It Together

I really thought at this stage of life I would feel more confident in what I was doing and who I am.  I didn't know that I would still be spinning so many plates, PLUS SOME!  Wasn't the plate spinning supposed to calm down as kids graduated?

Let me burst your bubble now...It doesn't!

Guess my perception was a little off as I thought I would be this older woman with wisdom, who had her routine down with grace, her table set with fine linens and her children singing her praises.  Instead I find wrinkles that don't appear too classy, my routine is shot any given second, and I can barely find our table linens!  I keep the kids guessing whether I will feed them dinner or not.  Why are we still having to feed them?!  I'm all about feeding them...REALLY!...just give me input!  I am tired of grocery shopping only to hear complaints.  I am tired of shopping quickly because my plate is full...THEN...THEN... they have suggestions!  NOPE!  We couldn't spout those out when I asked, "What would you like for dinner this week?"  They say...anything!  Anything really means something, but they won't tell me until the shopping is done! UGH! 

Don't even get me started on emails that keep popping up by the 10's of thousands, bills that want to arrive EVERY single month!  Didn't I just do that the other day?  School to manage, clothes to adjust, and a business to run! 

All this doesn't go well for a people pleasing mom!  I know...I had 8 kids!  I really should get over this!

These days I feel more like a busy mom than a productive one.  The battle I carried as a young mom, still seems to be front and center as an older mom.  How am I going to get it all done?

I keep forgetting that I am to look to the Lord and follow his lead.  Instead I start running and look back and ask..."Where did You go?"  Could I be running the wrong race?  Or the right race at the wrong pace?

I am still having to learn how to give it all to God.  I am still having to remember what is important.  A perfectly set table or a heart aligned with God.  A perfectly ran schedule or a mom adjusting to God's timeline.  Is it the perfect meal that matters or the right heart attitude that does?  Am I trying to please my kids, husband, and downline (yes, I am in network marketing) or am I to please the Lord?  The old people-pleaser personality just keeps creeping in! 

I am having to remember that pointing my children to Christ is far more important than them thinking their mom ROCKS it on this side of heaven.  I am learning to be okay that I want to give 100% to everything but frankly...I fall short.  I am pretty sure they are okay with it...the problem is am I? 

Lord, remind me to stop looking at all my failures and start looking for your grace. Help me to remember WHO I am to please and what I am to be about!  Somehow...I just thought I wouldn't be still telling myself this at this age.  My oily business will not have the perfect leader.  My home-schooled kids will not have the most outstanding teacher.  My meal planning will still be lacking and my email box will still be exploding!

At this moment...I am off to tackle today's things in God's grace...handing Him my thoughts on who I am supposed to be.  Remembering to be thankful for a full home vs an empty one.  A thriving business vs a stagnant one.  A life full of people who say its okay to ignore emails one more day!