Failure

I hate the battles of when you feel like you have failed your family!

Yesterday was far from pleasant for me. An inner battle that just keeps peeking out lately. (Probably the stress and lack of rest has brought about a few more episodes of RA.)

Ever want to go back and change things? I feel like I am being dragged around by life verses me controlling what is ahead! It only takes one high school graduate to take me down to the bottom of the barrel. I did this with our first graduate and now I am doing it with our 2nd! (Not because of what they have done but because I feel I haven't prepared them enough.)

I see I am measuring my success based on others when that wasn't God's plan for me, or my children (I know better!). Feeling inadequate to help them push forward into the college years when we are still changing diapers! Hard to point a senior into a career when you can't get 3 little boys moving in one direction! Frustrated at providing some financial help with gas almost $4.00 and milk running a close second! Feeling limited with finances, limited with time, and limited with wisdom can make for a tearful mom. Add 3 cranky kids, 4 pushing the boundary teens and you have an insane mess on your hands. (They all aren't being too bad...they are being exactly who God created them to be, children and teenagers!)

I love a husband that steps into it gently, doesn't add pressure, walks in wisdom, and guides us back to reality that God is in charge. Nothing happened apart from Him. Nothing happened that we didn't seek prayer on. Whether we missed God's direction or whether we walked the entire way in it, we have to know that He was our guide as we sought HIM. Just because I don't handle the pressure well or that it didn't play out the way I hoped, doesn't mean God wasn't in those directions.

IF everything went well, would I be seeking God's heart?

I've learned over the years that God can direct in these times. But I hate being in the midst of it! Wondering if you failed them, did I prepare them enough, was I too busy with other things and not focused where I should be, and feeling guilty to not help financially. Ugh..the weight of carrying my own drama!

I'm battling if others can send theirs to college, why can't we?

I'll catch the right perspective soon. But until then there will be more tears, more questions of doubt, and more feelings of inadequacy in raising 8 children.

Taking those thoughts captivie can often be a tug-o-war battle all through the day: I'll hold that feeling of failure Lord...nope...I give it back to you!
I really am a failure...nope...I give it back to you!
I totally failed my older kids...nope...I give it back to you!
I drag my family down with not being more decisive...nope...I give that back to you!

I'll eventually remember that 'I' am not the one meant to hold things together.
That would be God!

If all my children learn is WHO God is, WHAT He did, and WHOSE they are...we win! They will have Joy, Hope, and Peace regardless of their circumstances.

Hoping I get my eyes back on God and off of me!