Sunday, January 16, 2011

Panic Attack! Life Keeps Moving

I'm feeling a panic attack coming on and I don't even have panic attacks!

I keep thinking the older my kids get, the more on top of life I will be. The reality is the older they get, the more I feel life is trying to bury me!

How can we have life so good, be so blessed, and yet feel like we aren't in control. I'm getting one of my moods to sell it all, throw everything away, and lets just live on LOVE!

Who needs school, graduation, college, scholarships, grants? No loans, we don't do loans! There are enough bills in life we surely don't need to tack on a few extra. (Can you tell I have another child about to graduate from High School?)

Trying to escape it all within 10 minutes on T.V. I see a gambler who can blow 2 million on a bet and then turn around and make that and more in one day! I'm sitting here wondering if we can make the pay check last for another week! Extreme Home Makeovers do just that....EXTREME makeovers when you could do about 10 houses for what you did for one family! Talk about over stimulation in the kids rooms! Then undercover boss who can't even screw in a screw and he is throwing around 10,000here and 15,000 there (all for good reasons, but still)! He had a meltdown with drywall, insulted a lady by making her the same age as her mom, and totally lost control of his emotions when crawling under a house. And he comments I do have some luxuries the average family doesn't. Really? Just some? Pretty sure private jet put you in another category of life than the rest of us.

I'm not looking for private jets, elevators in my home, or even a million dollars. I just want my kids to be able to get the education they need. Yet I gotta wonder if I am encouraging the right path! God put us in America and it seems to be important to pay your bills. It also seems most good jobs you can't seem to get without an education. Lets not even talk about the lack of respect from some without that diploma. (I watched people tell my husband he was the smartest guy they knew but without a diploma he wasn't going to get the job, even though he beat out 10 other guys for a position, or that he had many years of experience.) I just can't come to terms with my kids always being faced with you gotta spend a fortune to make a living.

Oh how I wish their education was just paid for already! On top of cleaning my house, caring for 8 kids, chasing a toddler, paying bills, keeping the gang ON task, washing clothes, bathing kids, grocery shopping, making beds, dentist appointments, doctor visits, orthodontist, a few church events, women ministry, marriage classes, parenting issues, anti-freeze here, senior trip there, men's retreat this week, rheumatologist visit, helping my parents with their appointments, car issues, Chickasaw paperwork, home school testing,...ooohhh lets not forget 6 kids times 5 subjects AND....I'm gonna lose my mind!

The kids wonder why I can't keep track of stuff? Oh...lets not forget the bank accounts for 5 of them! Or the calendars for 8 to keep the family on task with all the above! Life as we know it has gone into warp drive and someone pushed the button when I wasn't looking!

No undercover boss here to rescue me.
My boss is already in the trenches with me.
No extreme home makeover to give us free mortgage.
We are already blessed far above most in this life.
No gambling moves for us.
We already did that with 8 kids!

How did my kids get from 4, 3, 1 to now?
How is it that we are graduating another child?
How am I suppose to sleep with my to-do-list growing?

Lord, you are gonna have to step in and help me breathe! Because I am pretty sure this American way of life is about to suffocate me!


  1. As I'm reading this, the tears are coming. . . this is EXACTLY how I feel. My kids aren't as old, but I keep thinking, "Lord, I'm drowning, here - HELP!" We say no to so much, but we still have more to do than we can handle. Praying for you, today, Friend. I understand. I don't have the homeschooling (which I can't imagine!), but I do have a million school projects and field trips and fund raisers and class trips and mission trips. And my heart's desire is just for them to LOVE the Lord and each other. (sigh) This world (even the GOOD) just seems to suck us in and take away what I love the most - time together.

  2. Amen sister. The extreme makeover is so true. I think when that show started they really did REDO people's existing homes. Now they mow them over and like you said, do WAY TOO MUCH for them. I am with you...spread the love. Give more people less. We all need less anyway. I am with you. Sell it all. Be done being controlled by stuff. I dunno. Maybe it is the large family. We can't get away from a little stuff multiplied by a lot of people is a lot of stuff. I feel at least weekly that a nervous breakdown is headed my way. Is it a copout to say...I am just going to teach them to love the Lord. If He wants them educated beyond that He will have to make a way. I can barely teach them their multiplication facts and stupid, useless grammar rules let alone think about higher education. Shew. Lord...send lots of peace and lots of grace. Sometimes the world is a tidal wave.