Thursday, February 11, 2010

Loss, Pain, Anger and then Healing

How do you read a blog like yesterday and not long for another baby to hold and love! She captivated me by being so real, transparent, and honest about her feelings, fear, and love! I believe we need to be more transparent at times so God can give us a new perspective. It is like we want to hold on to it for fear about what it says about us. But in the meantime, while we hold it, we aren't giving it to God so He can show us another viewpoint! I have found once I am open and honest about those things...all of a sudden...I see something new! (It is burying my vision of what I thought my life should be and then opening a brand new vision of what God sees!)

As I read her story it drew me back to the day we discovered we had lost our little one. (Over 15 years ago prior to birth.) It is one of those flash backs that you have with a smell or a scene but this time it was with her thoughts that pulled me back in time. Words honestly cannot share the depth of pain as you beg, plead, and cry out to the Lord to save your child. (I can only imagine the cry of moms and dads who have not been able to have children.) I remember driving home and then seeing my girls and Barry, a thousand emotions, and yet I was numb. Tears yes, but so many thoughts!
  • Why am I not good enough to carry this child?
  • What did I do for his life to end?
  • What if I had called the doctor the moment I felt the last kick?
  • Why did I have to go through this?
  • Wish I had never gotten pregnant!
  • Will this pain ever end?
  • How do I function when I really just want to give up and stay in my pain and tears?
  • Why does my sisters baby live and mine dies?
  • Then hating I even felt those thoughts!!!

Then the anger that came...

  • The littlest issues made me want to kick a door,
  • scream at the top of my lungs,
  • stay in darkness and not come out of my room.

Then the healing came...

  • I began to see, who am I to think I should not suffer.
  • Was my faith only built on my life being perfect?
  • Did I really believe that my Lord is a God that punishes so harshly if He is not pleased with me?
  • My eyes were open to the pain that MY sin caused!
  • My sin put Jesus on the cross. I think for the first time I understood the pain that our Lord felt as His son died!

Do I wish things had been differently when Adam died? Yes! I rarely see a 15 year old (this year 16, the next year 17...and so on) that I don't wonder what Adam would have been like. I know at the same time...I did not like what happened...but I don't want to change what I learned, felt, and know about God from my experience. (Maybe that experience was more about me than the baby anyways! That loss drew me in close to the Lord!) IT was definitely a moment in time that took my relationship with the Lord several steps deeper!

I realized what it meant for God to give His son up. That deep personal pain that only YOU know because YOU were the parent of THAT specific child! Yes, God has been where I was. I had to know that the loss of our son Adam had a purpose that I would probably never understand on this side of heaven. I can not change what was happening but I could move forward and be a mom to my girls, a wife to my husband, and a friend to others.

This I do know...God has plans that we cannot fathom. It can hurt and create bitterness when we think we can understand His ways when we are only human, we can't! I do know He is a God of love and compassion. Again no words can explain until you have given your heart to Him. It is a peace and joy that settles in your heart. It does not mean there are no tears, or wishes of things to be different, or longings that fill our heart. It does mean He will walk that path with us...EACH and EVERYDAY!

What pain or heartache is filling your heart?
Keep walking towards the King of Kings, Lord of Lords and let the risen Savior fill your heart!
I love that our Savior walks at my pace, He never rushes me, never leaves me, and will never let me go!

1 comment:

  1. I had so many of the same thoughts reading her story. She made a choice to allow the healing to come - so did you - so did I. I think sometimes it's in the giving UP to a thing that the Lord has the freedom to begin to heal us. It amazes me that it still hurts, sometimes. I'm glad to know (from you) that that's OK. :-) Glad we can be real with each other, aren't you?