Sunday, September 27, 2009

A Lesson Learned....Maybe

The morning....
We begin our day knowing that church won't happen for us today. We have a couple of sons playing in a tennis tournament. Years ago I quite possibly would have had an issue playing in a tournament and missing church, but that is in the past. I have since learned more about God, His grace, and frankly, we can worship Him anywhere. YES, even on the tennis courts.

Our christian walk is more than just on Sunday,
in church,
with other believers.

Back to our day.....
We come home to watch some football (familybits fantasy football is in full swing)
a little nap involved with more than 1/2 the family passed out on the couch (sweetness).
Later, we grill some hamburgers (delicious)
the boys watching more football (go team)
and the girls now playing a game of canasta (social time).
Jumping quickly to the end of our day....we put little kids to bed and later finish the final DVD of "24" the first season. We have a college friend that had never seen it and we all have become avid watchers again as we have forgotten many of the things that took place. HOW does that happen! Crazy...we still kinda know what will happen and we are still shocked it does!

Mom and dad insight....
After the show we are closing down the house as Barry and I give direction to older kids. Realizing they are about to pull their usual....say 'yes' to what was asked and then like zombies walk off to bed. So, we go gather the troops and point them back in the right direction. Some take it better than others. In the process a teaching moment occurs. Can't say it was graceful, smooth, or that it was fully understood. But I do think ground breaking!

Some questions....
I will reveal a truth that has really saved my marriage a lot of heart ache over the years. This was a point we were able to express with a teen tonight in a parent child relationship. Why did we stick with the teaching moment at midnight? Because our relationship with the teen is the beginning of them to understand a husband/wife relationship in the future.

Have you ever been offended or hurt because you felt unloved by your husband?
We had a teen tonight that was feeling unloved by her parents.

Have you ever thought if he really loved me he would understand and KNOW what to do?
We had a teen tonight that thought if her parents really loved me they would understand.

An insight....
I am here to say, "ladies, your man does not always know what to do", but he can still love you! Just because he gets it wrong doesn't mean he doesn't love you!
(just because a parent got it wrong...doesn't mean we don't love her)

That is a lie we believe that can begin to break down a marriage!
(that is a lie we believe to break down a parent/child relationship)

I have heard too many women say this. And if I hadn't learned this years ago I would be saying the same thing. Actually, there are times I do want to say it but I end up remembering what I learned in college and I am so thankful I did!

A person of 'good will'.....
I think the first place I heard it was from Gary Smalley and most recently through Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich. Men really do NOT know what they need to do to show us love. We need to be woman enough to help them. (helpmate *wink* *wink*)

Not only do we need to tell them,
then we need to give grace,
walk away,
and see what happens next.

I have found....whether husband, dad, son or brother, the guys nail it on the head and proud to do it, once they know what that is they might should be doing. This is a step in COMMUNICATION! It is vital in any relationship. This child had parents tonight that if we just knew how we were miss communicating we would fix it in a moment!

Not sure where we get in our life that everyone should just KNOW how we feel and adjust but it is wrong. That doesn't always happen. We want people to show us forgiveness when we didn't know/understand how they felt and yet we won't hand out the same forgiveness when someone does it to us. We just shout...if you truly loved me then you would know! marriage....
The truth is, the only one that truly knows is God. He is omniscience (capacity to know everything infinitely, or at least everything that can be known about a character including thoughts, feelings, life and the universe, etc) To hold men to the standard is wrong. We should see them as men of "good will". It is far too much to share in this post but definitely worth us digging in and thinking more about it. IF I can find a clip from Love and Respect that talks about a person of good will....I will try to post it. parenting....
Even with your time they do something that just frustrates the fire out of you. Take a moment and really look at their heart intent. I bet you will find they did NOT set out and think,
"I am going to do this just to drive 'my' mom nuts!"
I bet if you ask questions they just never even realized it was a problem. Now once I have discovered that this child who is frustrating me did it out of ignorance and not out of a desire to ruin my day, my entire view of that child and or teen, has changed.
I now can parent/teach/train out of love vs anger.

The ending....
Teen made a comment and I finally heard what was being said.
This child was saying "I can't just tell you what to do because IF you loved me then you would just know."

We took a moment to grab this child, look at truth and continue to try to communicate.

There were moments I thought just let her go to bed and deal with it later. But I just couldn't let it rest tonight. God had my heart...I was in the right state of emotions. God was in control and He could open her ears to grasp a truth that could change her life forever.
Realizing she was still far too emotional to describe our relationship with her to explain.
We took a situation in her dad and I. She was removed from feeling defensive and could really HEAR what was being said. We proceeded to explain that if we had a relationship where he was just to know how I felt without me sharing...well....we wouldn't have a relationship!

The explanation....
We are parents of good will. Our intent is NOT to cause her pain or frustration. We are also parents that are not omniscience (we can't figure out what she is needing from us). We need her to verbalize how she feels. We hug and you can feel the tension leave her body. Not sure she fully grasped all that was said. But her entire countenance changed. I think she we give her time to process. Praying God will continue to show her truth and help stop a lie that the world teaches (that mom and dad don't care), (my husband doesn't care), (my wife doesn't care)!

Now the Prayer...
That she will learn that she needs to convey what she needs.
(whether parents or spouse)

That she can then give that to God!
(we can't change others!)

She will see God at work.
(There's hope things can change or He will give grace/joy in spite of what is happening!)

Understanding we are human and will likely miss what we need to do.
(can't put our joy in others hands we need to give forgiveness)

She will have a forgiving heart....
to look past how a humans can fail us and see how God can fill us!


  1. This post is full of so much truth. You nailed on the head. The hardest part about parenting -- molding the heart. I don't know your young one, but I will be praying for her. Seems like just yesterday I was that young and "confused".

  2. Wow. What a great reminder! I practice this daily with my Coach, but hadn't transfered that same understanding to my children. Wow, again.
    Thank you for sharing. I needed to hear that today.